Still here, and break-ing.

I am still alive, and no... nothing has happened yet.  :) 

My intentional break has really helped.  I have found myself even going a whole day without thinking about the adoption, which is a first.

This is the end of a fabulously busy week, which I was thankful for as a distraction.  Now, I'm sitting here trying to focus on a project for school, and I found myself feeling down for the first time in a few weeks. 

It probably didn't help that I called my mom and asked her what she wanted for Christmas.  Her answer?  "Just Little B."   

Me, too. 

Still lots of exciting things going on to keep me occupied.  Miss Y made her first Chicago appearance yesterday and has wooed everyone with her delicate and hilarious 'em-bee'.  My cousin visited last weekend and we hit all the Chi-town holiday tradtions including the german market and the windows on State Street.   And, of course, Santa is coming.    

I think the one thing that I've learned since starting this process in May is that it's so easy to get caught up in the...

... just-wait-till-you-get-on-the-list, just-wait-till-you-get-a-referral, just-make-it-through-this-week, just-make-it-through-this-day... 

It's too easy to wish away a half year of your life just waiting for this one thing to happen.  Several weeks ago I vowed to not do that any more.   I really do NOT want to be the person wishing her life away, not enjoying the moment.

So, I'll leave you with one of the things I enjoyed in life this week.  My cousin and I shared a fab brunch at the top of the Hancock building on Sunday.  For dessert, they had cake with nerd toppings.  If you don't know me well, here is something you should know... I love CAKE and I love NERDS.     This was like my individual heaven.  Really.  Enjoy a crappy cell phone picture of it.  

 

A break.

I have given myself permission to take a break.  A break from the obsessing, blog-stalking...

And it feels great.

I realized that yesterday marked twelve weeks of waiting, six of those weeks at (unofficial) number one.  All of you waiting know that first, that's not that long to wait ( I know- I'm not complaining!) and second, that no amount of obsessing, blog-stalking, calculating, etc... is going to make this happen one day sooner than it's supposed to.  

And, I wouldn't want it to.  

Sometimes we have to give ourselves a break and give ourselves permission to let go of things for a while.  The fake sense of control I get while obsessing over this is not helping.  In fact, I think it's hurting.  

This time of year has the MOST distractions and they are GOOD distractions... holiday parties with friends, seeing family, planning gifts and trips.  So many things to be grateful for and be excited about.  I don't want to enjoy these things less because I am stressed over something that will happen, just not right now, or at least not on the perfect timeline I have in my head.

It doesn't mean that I don't think about it everyday, and secretly hope for the call I know is not coming for a while.   Just giving myself permission to not let it run my life. 

And it feels great.

My home is not a place, it is people.

This was the quote on the cover of the annual report I received yesterday of one of my favorite Chicago organizations.   

Obviously, this year on Thanksgiving I am thinking a lot about my family...my people.  My biological people.  My friend people.  My person who is not yet known to me and is far away today.

I am so thankful for all of my types of people, and  all of the ways they have come into my world.

Giving thanks for you today.  Thanks for being in my life, and making it a home.  

One month

Tuesday marks one month at (unofficial) number one.  Deep sigh...

When I started my official wait, things were moving at a certain pace, and I felt like there was always something happening.  I am still moving through this process waaaayyy faster than I thought possible, but after sitting in the same damn spot for 30 days-- I'm sad.

Not depressed-sad, more like anxious-sad.  I just can't wait to see his face, and really thought that would happen before Thanksgiving.  

That said, I do believe that timing is always perfect in these things....well, all things for that matter.  And I do actually have a lot of peace about this right now.  

So, for the time being I remain peaceful, with a healthy side of anxious and a twist of impatience.

A song saves the day.

I told someone today that I have started to have a love/hate relationship with Fridays.  

In regular life, Fridays start the weekend and weekends are full of fun.

In adopto-life, Fridays mean 2 whole days of nothing.  No news, no updates...nothing.   Fridays can be sad in our world.

I was leaving work tonight and decided to take the work shuttle to my car (which I never do, but it was cold and I was feeling lazy).  I was the only one on the bus and the driver was feeling very weekend-y and had his smooth jazz station turned up for both of us to enjoy. 

I was feeling sad because it's Friday and another week went by without seeing the face of Little B.

Then I heard a special tune that I have to believe was just for me... "Sara smile."

And, I did. 

A big ridiculous smile.  

On Friday.

 

Sunday thoughts

Still here and waiting..err... patiently.  I can't say (as previous posts prove!) that I am not anxious or excited to hear some news-- I most definitely am.    

But lately I have been spending a lot of my time thinking about the birth family of the future Little B.  Because I have gone on the wait list for a young child, I know that most likely the time between abandonment or relinquishment and my referral will be short.    Meaning, the birth family of Little B is probably making their most difficult decision right around now.  

It's heavy.  And, it's important.  And, it centers me when I get caught up in this nutty process.    The wait lists, the numbers, the timelines, the endless, endless documents.  And, it comes down to this decision.   This biggest decision.  

A decision I will be grateful for and think of everyday, and raise Little B to honor.

No news, but exciting times nonetheless.

Nope, no referral news.  

At the beginning of last week I was expecting a call at any time and I was a gigantic ball of adrenaline-laced giggles and palpitations.  As the days have rolled by, I have moved from utter heartattack-edness to feeling a little more chill.   (And, thank goodness... that feeling can NOT be maintained healthily for long!)

My caseworker tells me that I won't be getting a call for a while, and I feel fine.  Really, I do.  I'm sure if you ask me a month from now I will feel differently, but for now I am just sitting in the excitement and doing alright. 

And, oh-- the excitement!

I find myself unable to sleep at night....   What is his name?  How old will he be?  What does he LOOK like? 

I think I am right at the top of the big hill on this roller coaster.   A lot of the work is done getting to the top, but the wild part is just beginning.