I hope.

I hope. 

For more love, more joy, and laughter.

I hope.

You'll have more than you'll ever need.

I hope.  

We'll have more happy ever afters.

I hope. 

We can live more fearlessly.

And, we can lose all the pain and misery.

I hope. I hope.

Hoping for a peaceful new year to all of my dear friends and family.

Still here, and break-ing.

I am still alive, and no... nothing has happened yet.  :) 

My intentional break has really helped.  I have found myself even going a whole day without thinking about the adoption, which is a first.

This is the end of a fabulously busy week, which I was thankful for as a distraction.  Now, I'm sitting here trying to focus on a project for school, and I found myself feeling down for the first time in a few weeks. 

It probably didn't help that I called my mom and asked her what she wanted for Christmas.  Her answer?  "Just Little B."   

Me, too. 

Still lots of exciting things going on to keep me occupied.  Miss Y made her first Chicago appearance yesterday and has wooed everyone with her delicate and hilarious 'em-bee'.  My cousin visited last weekend and we hit all the Chi-town holiday tradtions including the german market and the windows on State Street.   And, of course, Santa is coming.    

I think the one thing that I've learned since starting this process in May is that it's so easy to get caught up in the...

... just-wait-till-you-get-on-the-list, just-wait-till-you-get-a-referral, just-make-it-through-this-week, just-make-it-through-this-day... 

It's too easy to wish away a half year of your life just waiting for this one thing to happen.  Several weeks ago I vowed to not do that any more.   I really do NOT want to be the person wishing her life away, not enjoying the moment.

So, I'll leave you with one of the things I enjoyed in life this week.  My cousin and I shared a fab brunch at the top of the Hancock building on Sunday.  For dessert, they had cake with nerd toppings.  If you don't know me well, here is something you should know... I love CAKE and I love NERDS.     This was like my individual heaven.  Really.  Enjoy a crappy cell phone picture of it.  

 

A break.

I have given myself permission to take a break.  A break from the obsessing, blog-stalking...

And it feels great.

I realized that yesterday marked twelve weeks of waiting, six of those weeks at (unofficial) number one.  All of you waiting know that first, that's not that long to wait ( I know- I'm not complaining!) and second, that no amount of obsessing, blog-stalking, calculating, etc... is going to make this happen one day sooner than it's supposed to.  

And, I wouldn't want it to.  

Sometimes we have to give ourselves a break and give ourselves permission to let go of things for a while.  The fake sense of control I get while obsessing over this is not helping.  In fact, I think it's hurting.  

This time of year has the MOST distractions and they are GOOD distractions... holiday parties with friends, seeing family, planning gifts and trips.  So many things to be grateful for and be excited about.  I don't want to enjoy these things less because I am stressed over something that will happen, just not right now, or at least not on the perfect timeline I have in my head.

It doesn't mean that I don't think about it everyday, and secretly hope for the call I know is not coming for a while.   Just giving myself permission to not let it run my life. 

And it feels great.

My home is not a place, it is people.

This was the quote on the cover of the annual report I received yesterday of one of my favorite Chicago organizations.   

Obviously, this year on Thanksgiving I am thinking a lot about my family...my people.  My biological people.  My friend people.  My person who is not yet known to me and is far away today.

I am so thankful for all of my types of people, and  all of the ways they have come into my world.

Giving thanks for you today.  Thanks for being in my life, and making it a home.  

One month

Tuesday marks one month at (unofficial) number one.  Deep sigh...

When I started my official wait, things were moving at a certain pace, and I felt like there was always something happening.  I am still moving through this process waaaayyy faster than I thought possible, but after sitting in the same damn spot for 30 days-- I'm sad.

Not depressed-sad, more like anxious-sad.  I just can't wait to see his face, and really thought that would happen before Thanksgiving.  

That said, I do believe that timing is always perfect in these things....well, all things for that matter.  And I do actually have a lot of peace about this right now.  

So, for the time being I remain peaceful, with a healthy side of anxious and a twist of impatience.

A song saves the day.

I told someone today that I have started to have a love/hate relationship with Fridays.  

In regular life, Fridays start the weekend and weekends are full of fun.

In adopto-life, Fridays mean 2 whole days of nothing.  No news, no updates...nothing.   Fridays can be sad in our world.

I was leaving work tonight and decided to take the work shuttle to my car (which I never do, but it was cold and I was feeling lazy).  I was the only one on the bus and the driver was feeling very weekend-y and had his smooth jazz station turned up for both of us to enjoy. 

I was feeling sad because it's Friday and another week went by without seeing the face of Little B.

Then I heard a special tune that I have to believe was just for me... "Sara smile."

And, I did. 

A big ridiculous smile.  

On Friday.

 

Sunday thoughts

Still here and waiting..err... patiently.  I can't say (as previous posts prove!) that I am not anxious or excited to hear some news-- I most definitely am.    

But lately I have been spending a lot of my time thinking about the birth family of the future Little B.  Because I have gone on the wait list for a young child, I know that most likely the time between abandonment or relinquishment and my referral will be short.    Meaning, the birth family of Little B is probably making their most difficult decision right around now.  

It's heavy.  And, it's important.  And, it centers me when I get caught up in this nutty process.    The wait lists, the numbers, the timelines, the endless, endless documents.  And, it comes down to this decision.   This biggest decision.  

A decision I will be grateful for and think of everyday, and raise Little B to honor.

No news, but exciting times nonetheless.

Nope, no referral news.  

At the beginning of last week I was expecting a call at any time and I was a gigantic ball of adrenaline-laced giggles and palpitations.  As the days have rolled by, I have moved from utter heartattack-edness to feeling a little more chill.   (And, thank goodness... that feeling can NOT be maintained healthily for long!)

My caseworker tells me that I won't be getting a call for a while, and I feel fine.  Really, I do.  I'm sure if you ask me a month from now I will feel differently, but for now I am just sitting in the excitement and doing alright. 

And, oh-- the excitement!

I find myself unable to sleep at night....   What is his name?  How old will he be?  What does he LOOK like? 

I think I am right at the top of the big hill on this roller coaster.   A lot of the work is done getting to the top, but the wild part is just beginning.  

A big week

It has been a very big week for me!

I will skip all of the crap and tell you that I am officially #2 on the baby boy list, but unofficially #1 !!!!!!

Yes, any day I could get the call.   

As you can imagine, I am bursting with excitement!!  Any day now, I could see the face of Little B.    

The Golden Ticket and Ode to Truffle Salt

Ladies and gentlemen, 

Today I hold in my hand the international adoption golden ticket.  Some call it the 171-H, but that sounds so sterile.  

I received my immigration clearance to lawfully bring a child into the country. 

Wow. 

In my excitement of receiving this VERY important document, I knocked over my jar of truffle salt on the kitchen counter, which I had (irresponsibly) left unsealed.  

Truffle salt is my all-time favorite food item.  It's an amazing blend of truffle bits and salt (duh.) which when combined with mundane foods like corn, potatoes, or, oh--any old boring, midwestern thing-- will blow your freaking mind.  AND, it costs about $25-$30 for a small container.   

My excited carelessness tonight just cost me about 15-bucks.  

And, I don't even care.  Because the US government thinks I am cool enough to adopt a kid from Ethiopia.   

Self-preservation

When I have nervous energy, I cook.  

Now that I am in a process which creates the most nervous energy I have ever had, I am cooking for the year.  

My dear friend Tata went with me to pick apples today.  I say dear friend because after looking outside and seeing hail, then looking in my pleading, puppy dog eyes-- she still went.  She even made me a breakfast of pumpkin pancakes before we left.  See, I told you--dear friend.

We trudged through the Indiana mud and picked our apples, rewarding ourselves with a yummy pumpkin donut. 

At one of those road-side stands along the way home, they had end-of-the-season tomatoes on sale.   So, of course I stocked up.  In the quickly approaching dreary Chicago winter, when I decide to make some pasta sauce or soup, these are the tomatoes I want.  Not those ugly, barely-blushing tomatoes we are so blessed with in February.  

I haven't canned much, but there is something so rewarding about working hard now and reaping the benefits on a cold night after work when a bowl of tomato soup will really hit the spot.  It also just occurred to me that the applesauce I'm working on now might be enjoyed by Little B in the coming year?  Wow. 

So, I am self-preserving by self preserving. 

 It's so worth it when you hear that click.

Tomato Invasion

Welcome, Fall.

It was a great summer, but I am ready to welcome my favorite of all of the seasons. So far, enjoying lots of fall-ish things-- a beautiful hike, admiring changing leaves, eating apple and pumpkin everything, a fall wedding, and of course the Fall Festival in my hometown.It's been a while since I have been back, but the Fall Festival is pretty much THE event of the fall in E-town. The longest running street fair (only second to Mardi Gras), one can eat fried twinkies, brain sandwiches, frog legs, walking tacos, something called pig lickers (what?!)... just name a gross food, and you will find it at the 88th Annual West Side Nut Club Fall Festival. Yep, this age-old tradition is put on by a "nut club".

As a child, I was forced to participate in the "pet parades" and you can tell how much I enjoyed this from the look on my face. Yes, that's me... Smurfette.    

This year, though I was able to answer the important question: Corndog or pronto pup? Most definitely, the pronto pups have my heart.   Who? Vegetarian? What?  Where?! 

Just in case this "fine dining" is not your bag, you can always participate in Amateur Night or Mullet Hunt. Prizes are awarded for the best mullet caught on camera. (I hear there are extra points for wife-beater T's and home-made tattoos!) I even won a prize at a VERY PETA-friendly game where Oscar the Mouse is let loose on a spinning table and crawls into a hole.  Ahhh... it was good to be home.

In adopto-news, I am moving right along...  now #4 on the boy list and #11 on the girl list.  The courts are due to open this week, so hopefully we will get some good news soon for some of my buddies waiting for court dates.

Happy Fall!

What to do while you're waiting...

Well, now that I am officially on the wait list (and awaiting some news from my agency re: the "singles" issue), I am already tired of waiting.

So, what am I doing?  No, not the schoolwork piling up and making me guilty.   No, not reading the pile of attachment/adoption books on my nightstand.  No, not organizing my apartment.

I am spending the majority of my time online, researching VERY important topics like "Why Are Tortilla Chips So Damn Good?"  

Seriously, though... why are they SO good?   I swear if I ever move from Chicago, I will need a weekly shipment of my fave green-bag chips.    

If I were you, I would expect this kind of random post for a while as I obsess, wait, and spend WAY too many hours online.

(Ethiopian) New Year's Resolutions

For those of you who weren't aware... we just rang in 2002 Ethiopia-style yesterday.  That's right, Sept. 11 is Ethiopian New Year and their calendar is exactly 7 years behind ours.  

As with any new year, of course I have been reflecting on the past year and the MASSIVE amounts of change that have happened.  New job, started school (AGAIN!), and of course, starting the process of adoption.   It's been a big year and the coming year is sure to be an even bigger one.  

I went out to Abyssinia for dinner last night to celebrate with R & N and some other friends, old and new-- a good time was had by all.  It IS new years after all!  One friend made a comment...  this time next year, there will probably be two babes sitting at the table with us.   Exciting and true.   

I started out my new year by trying to get on track...  started by roasting some beans straight from Ethio in honor of the holiday, hit the books early this AM, and then started cleaning the apartment.   But to be honest, it's only 2pm and I'm already tired by my ambitious start to a new year.  :)

Cheers and happy new year!

Sad news and RAD news

The sad news...

I have this piece of pottery.  It's from Ethiopia.  It's the SECOND piece of the same pottery because I broke the first one.   That's right... I've carried the SAME piece of pottery not once, but TWICE back from Ethiopia.   The first one chipped on the ride home.  When I found out that I would return to Ethiopia this Spring, I was ecstatic because I knew I could replace this beautiful piece of art.  So, again, I carried this breakable bowl wrapped up like a little baby in my carry-on bag.  It's one of my favorite things....

Last night, in my sleepy-eyed clumsiness, I knocked it off the coffee table and into lots of pieces.   So sad....

The rad news... 

Today I officially joined the WAITLIST!!!  So, the next time I go to Ethiopia, I will return with TWO pieces of precious cargo. 

I joined today at #5 for a baby boy and #12 for a baby girl.   (I have a hunch it will be a boy, don't you?!)

I feel so official now!

Home Study Approved!

Got the word today that exactly 3 weeks after submitting my homestudy, it has been approved by the Illinois DCFS international coordinator.  

Soooo...  my local case worker will now send to my international case worker (who has already seen and approved it),  and then..... WAIT LIST. 

Probably by next week??!

Amazing news!

...Not for me, but for my BFF (who is also adopting from ET).

R & N (and the relentlessly hard-working sisters at Asco) have been working tirelessly to bring little Y home. FINALLY, good news (the last good news was in JANUARY!).

Read her story here.

I have met and (already) fell in love with little Y and can't wait for her to come chill with us Chi-town style.

No news for me yet this week, but I am feeling (unnaturally for me) very zen about things right now. Another friend from the adoption world reminded me this week that after all things are said and done, you realize that you waited just the right amount of time for just the right kid to come in to your life when they should. Agreed.

Today, I am just overwhelmingly thankful for answered prayers for my friends.
Cheers!

Sooo close...

I am so close to being on the wait list, I can feel it!

I received my DCFS license this week, so I am officially a foster home.   I am STILL waiting on the international adoption coordinator for Illinois to give her stamp of approval to my home study.   It's only been two weeks, but I'm so anxious for it to be done. (My caseworker says I should allow a month, but I can't let myself believe it will take that long!)

When this is done, I will go on the wait list....and, just to give you an idea...

If I went on the wait list today, I would be #5 on the infant boy list.  And, now just to give you a frame of reference... my Chi-town blog-friend Ruthanne was #4 last week and accepted a referral!  

Now you see why I am so excited.  : )

In other news, I did not realize that when I emailed USCIS to ask about switching my fingerprinting day that I forfeited my day.  Bummer.  Luckily, I got another appointment two weeks later. 

Things are definitely moving along.    Do you ever just have that feeling that somethings going to happen really soon?  I do... right now!

Cross your fingers with me?

Photos and story of famine in Ethiopia

I saw these links on another blog I read....

These photos really capture the malnutrition problem in Ethiopia for children.   It is so concerning as last year was such a rough year for food production and donated supplies.   It seems that this year will be even more serious because there is no supply to draw from. 

You can read the story here.  

As I am beginning this journey that will forever connect me to this beautiful and troubled country, I find myself thinking about these issues a lot.  How will we make it better?

Wondering and waiting...

So, I was talking to my mom the other night and she told me that she had a dream the night before. Life was as normal, and then all of the sudden there was a beautiful baby with curly dark hair there. She posited, "Maybe your baby was born today."

I immediately got goosebumps and teared up, as I am prone to do. And then I almost threw up.

It took me a minute to understand why I had that reaction, and then I got it.

It could be true. The child that I will be allowed to raise/ care for/ love/ adore/ share my life with could already be born. Or, could be born today. Or, tomorrow. I started thinking about the incredible decision that my child's birth parents could be making today. Or tomorrow.

And, then I started thinking about the child. Is he wrapped on his mother's or grandmother's back as he should be? Or, is he lying alone in a crib? Or, is he being dropped off at a local kebele today? Is he being put to breast or is there a bottle propped up in his tiny little mouth?

Is he dressed in warm layers, or is he wrapped in a threadbare scarf? Is he being cherished as he should be? As every child should be?

Maybe his mother is ill. Maybe he is ill. Maybe he is in a crowded Addis hospital at this very moment. Is he getting the medication he desperately needs, or is there no access to it because the electricity is out?

I think this might be the equivalent of pregnancy. The worrying, the wondering, the waiting... I wish there was something I could do. Like take pre-natal vitamins or go to Lamaze class. Unfortunately, these are the adoption realities.

These things are weighing very heavily, but then I thought today....

maybe my baby was born????!!!!!!

Isn't it absolutely amazing to think that this could be true?

Process update: the last missing piece to this complicated jigsaw puzzle is still my home study document. It is as-we-speak in the hands of the IL DCFS. It should be evaluated and certified within the next few weeks, at which point I will happily/eagerly/anxiously officially go on the wait list for an infant (0-12 month) boy or girl.

please, please, PLEASE...

go to this site... 

Awkward Family Photos

you will DIE!

On the right there is a drop down list of categories for your viewing enjoyment. 

Thumbs Up!

Today, I am giving myself a big thumbs up. The reason why: It's August 1st and everything that I can do has been done!

- Home visit -CHECK

- Dossier submitted- CHECK

-I-600A submitted- CHECK

In addition, those pesky fingerprint problems have gone away- got all of my clearances on Thursday.

Whew! Does this feel great?!

Now, I'm just waiting for my agencies to agree on the perfect home study document and waiting to get my appointment for my USCIS fingerprinting. It may take a little bit to get the home study wrapped up (fingers crossed that the lone woman in Springfied who looks at these has a slow week!), but it does feel great having all of that paperwork out of my house --and off of my dining room table which had become a lateral file cabinet in recent days!

So, in case you're wondering... it will be a little while longer until I'm officially on the wait list. The wait list is around 5-6 months, then to pass court, get an embassy date, and travel to bring home the babe... I'm thinking maybe this time next year I'll be a mom!

I am now home in Indiana visiting family and celebrating with more weddings (4 this year!) and bridal showers. So nice to catch up with family and friends, meet new husbands and husbands-to-be, and relax in E-town.

Thanks to everyone who has asked how it's going-- it feels so nice to answer-- GREAT!!

Bad news, then Good news

So, the bad news first... 

I got a letter last week stating that the IL state police rejected my fingerprints...the audacity!!  

Outside of being a major inconvenience, this could potentially slow down my process.  I needed the criminal clearance from my prints as part of my DCFS* clearance for my home study.   I have already been re-printed, so hopefully I'm well on my way of being cleared.  Nobody will give me an estimate of how much this will slow things down, but I'm trying to remain optimistic.

On the good side...  

Not counting the (totally different) police clearance which I will get on Tuesday and one outstanding reference letter (eh hem-- you know who you are!)  I am COMPLETELY done with all of my international dossier documents.  When my home study is finished, I will take everything downtown for certification and then all will be shipped to Colorado to be reviewed by my agency.  

One MORE thing on the good side...

My home study agency as a rule does not do the home visit (when the social worker comes to inspect my apartment) until after the DCFS clearance goes through.  After a couple of my ever-so-subtle hints, my social worker has agreed to do my home visit before this happens (scheduled 7/30/09) so that when my clearance comes through, we just have to hit print and be done with this!

So, I guess today the good is outweighing the bad.  I have been told by everyone going through this process that 

things WILL go wrong.  

It's expected.  

I don't like it.  

I like control.    : )

P.S.  Is anybody else sick of hearing these two phrases:  "toxicology report"  and "economic climate" ??    Give us some good news and leave the poor man to rest in peace!  

*Department of Children and Family Services

Summer fun

Chitown summer hit hard last week... the ancient window unit A/C was cranked up and to my wonderful surprise, it still works!  

Let me tell you-- nobody appreciates summer more than Chicagoans.   The outdoor cafes are packed, there is a near constant stream of people walking to and from the beach, and the farmers markets are the places to be.   I am especially proud of my backyard roses... a daily reminder to stop and smell them.  : )

I spent my first official summertime weekend day living it up -- a bike ride, brunch, and a dip in the pool.  My friend Marisa and I almost had ourselves fooled into believing that the salt hill next door was the mountains, the pool at Smith Park the ocean, and the hard concrete a sandy beach.  It worked for about 5 minutes... until the car alarms started beeping.  But, hey, it was a good 5 minutes!!

I continue to love the new schedule.  Sleeping at night rules!

I haven't heard anything from DCFS-- I am still awaiting their approval.  My home visit is on hold until I am approved, so I am a little anxious for this to happen.  I have however been gathering my many, many documents that will compile the dossier.  

A question for other adoptive parents:  When did you tell your employer that you were adopting?  This is my dilemma... I need a letter from the hospital I work for stating that I am an employee in good standing, blah, blah, blah.  The problem is that I just changed departments (last week!) and I'm not sure when it's appropriate to tell (or not tell).   I would really like to have the letter from them in a couple of weeks, but I'm nervous!  It will be the first time that I've told a near-stranger of my adoptive plans.   Any advice is appreciated! 

In Ethio-news, I had a great time last night at the opening ceremony of the ESFNA soccer tourney.  Music, food, dancing, and R & N getting $5 fake Ethio-tattoos... it doesn't get much better than that!  Here is the link to the week of fun in Chicago if you have time.  

Making Progress...

A lot has happened in the last few weeks!  

I had a birthday (#32!), I got a new job, my sister got married, and I have ALMOST completed my homestudy!  

My sister's wedding was so nice--she looked radiant and I am so thrilled for her and her new husband!  After the wedding was over, I started telling many of my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... about the impending adoption.  I am thrilled to say that (for the most part--grandparents may take some time!) everyone was excited and genuinely happy.  I know my mom is excited that she can start proclaiming herself a grandma.  : )

So, I had my 3rd (out of 4) meeting with my social worker and it went a-million-times better than the last couple of meetings.  I don't know what the change was, but I feel like we are now on the same side.  What a relief!  As my next appointment with her is my home visit, I feel like I will be MUCH less nervous.  Now, to start cleaning.....

I have started emailing/trading blogs with other single parents adopting from Ethiopia and it has been very helpful.  So nice to have someone to bounce feelings off of who has gone through/is going through the same joys (and frustrations).  Thanks, guys!

In other news, I start my new job tomorrow.   A little nervous, but more excited.  I will be working in a clinic at the same hospital, so the hours are glorious.  Fingers crossed for a great first day!

Moving right along

Since my last post, I've met twice with my home study counselor, attended two classes, read multiple books, and spent an embarrassing amount of hours reading other adopt0-blogs.   

While it has been a lot of work (and potentially most of my detailed paperwork still lies ahead) it hasn't been horrible.  I think it has to do with knowing that my end product is coming home with a kid! 

I have had some ups and downs emotionally lately about the process in general.  First, there have been changes in the Ethiopia program which will possibly make my adoption harder to process.  Second, I go back and forth between wondering if this adoption is indeed the BEST thing to do.  

For those of you who don't know me- my plan involved applying for Peace Corps service next year and then pursuing an MPH, focusing on international health issues.  When I started thinking about adoption, all of those other plans started to seem dull in comparison.    

But, just this week, I was reading an article about the health situation in Ethiopia and I started to have this feeling.  Am I really helping the problem by adopting a child?  Could my exorbitant adoption fees be better spent in assisting a program already established in Ethiopia?  Will this adoption ever actually come to fruition anyway?   

For now, I've decided I can't answer these big questions.  I know that I am ready to be a parent.  I know that there are many children who are waiting for a home.  And, I know that I am ready to share my heart and home with one of them.  So, I am moving right along.  

And, as the quote tells us...

"Adopting one child won't change the world; but for that one child, the world will change. "

P.S.  I got a new job!  No more night shifts!! No more weekends!!!

Aha!

A couple of weeks ago, while volunteering in Ethiopia, I had my moment.  I have always known that I wanted to adopt... why not now?  When I couldn't come up with a good reason, my best friend couldn't come up with a good reason, and even my MOM couldn't come up with one... I knew it was time. 

After much (MUCH!) web researching and many phone calls to agencies, I have decided to pursue adoption from Ethiopia.  My first appointment with my local adoption counselor (for my home study) is set for this week.  I just turned in my application with my international agency.  Geez... this is really happening!!

I plan on blogging here about my process because I have gained so much from others' blogs.  It's only fair, right?

Here we go!